Supplies

See, 12 hours of Oscar coverage requires a certain amount of preparation. You can't just sit down at something like that and expect to make it through the day without a little bit of forethought as to your sustenance and mental well-being. What follows is a list of supplies for this year's slothlike adventure.

• water - This is key. Twelve hours is a long-ass time. Yes, there are other beverages, to be listed below, but first and foremost, it is important to stay hydrated. I suggest the 32 ounce Nalgene bottle. Mine is pink, but the color is less important than keeping it filled. I speak from experience here. If you get dehydrated over this rigorous schedule, you will have a raging headache long before they announce best picture.
• several kinds of soda - On tap for me? Diet Barq's, Diet Dr. Pepper, Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke, Fresca. Yes, they're all diet. Filling up on sodas removes your appetite for essential snacks, to be detailed below. Diet sodas give you flavor without robbing you of the will to divulge in other tasty treats. However, an actual, proper Coca-cola Classic is recommended after dinner. I forgot this while shopping today, but that shouldn't stop you. There is something brilliant and wonderful and completely American about drinking a proper Coke while watching the Oscars.
• beer - Stella Artois.
• wine - Parducci Pinot Noir
• pretzels - Snyder's of Hanover Butter Snaps.
• fruit - two Cara Cara navel oranges, to be precise, the Cadillac of navel oranges. So good that when I had one today, I didn't even make it away from the counter. I ate so many segments while I was peeling it that it didn't seem worth it to carry the whole bowl with me, so I just ate it standing there like some sort of bourgeoise heathen.
• cheese - Emmethaller Adelweisse Swiss (to be sliced and eaten upon Carapeccio butter crackers)
• Scharffenberger Nibby Bar - to be saved for during the "big" awards, best actress, actor, director, and picture. Usually I only eat one segment at a time, but for a holiday like this, maybe two.
• XOXOX Extra Strong Dark - 77% Cacao dark chocolate. One step below the Nibby Bar on the "holy mother of god, that's good" scale.
• Starbuck's Oatmeal Raisin Cookie - This will likely be breakfast. What?
• soup - Byerly's/Lund's soup, to be precise. Lunch, no doubt.
• cheesecake - Homemade. Yes, kids, I said homemade. My boyfriend is awesome.
• delivery menus - See, I don't go to see people or places on Oscar Day. People or places come to see me. I'm thinking Italian. Broder's is kind of the new tradition, but we'll see.

And then, of course, there are the non-consumables. While less important during the actual ceremonies, they are absolute musts during pre-show coverage...

• Gameboy DS - What would a day in front of the TV be without some form of handheld entertainment (keep your dirty thoughts to yourself, kids)? Animal Crossing is the game-du-jour (peaches, get your peaches!), but you grab whatever floats your boat. The commercial breaks are frequent and prolonged.
  
• laptop - All that talk about past winners gets me thinking about past nominees. I'm looking shit up constantly during the coverage. Plus, sometimes you just need to check your email in a twelve-hour period. Keep the iBook handy.
  
• ironing - What? Some traditions are just born of their own accord. I don't remember when it started, but at some point a few years ago, pre-show coverage time kind of became the one time of year when ironing turned fun. I now find myself saving up ironing for during this time. Don't judge me.
  
• a clean room - Or at least a clean line of sight to the tv. If you have clutter around your TV, it will taint the twelve hours you spend staring at it. Spend some time pre-coverage to straighten up. If you're as neurotic as I am, you'll thank me later. (And if you're not? You'll mock me later. So take an advance flash of a key finger as a preemptive measure.)
  
• strength of will - When you get a phone call at 4pm "just to say hi," you need to be ready to say with conviction that you're too busy to talk. Oftentimes, people hear "just watchin' TV" and think that means you're not busy. If you do not convey your occupation with confidence and conviction, you will be stuck dully saying "uh huh." over and over again only to be met with enraged indignance when it is revealed that you're more enraptured with ten-year-old pre-commercial break Oscar trivia than you are with your friend or family member's current drama. Tell them you will call them back tomorrow and save everyone involved a considerable amount of strife. (PS, if you call me after 7pm and you aren't calling to schedule the delivery of food for my personal consumption, I officially hate you.)

And that's it! That's all I, or you, need for a successful day of utter indulgence, vegetation, and celebration. It's been a roller-coaster, this year of movies. Some utter shite has been released en masse, and among it, moments of sheer and total genius. I'm excited as a kid on Christmas Eve as I write this. Santa's coming tomorrow with naked, golden men; rewards for those who have brought me to laughter and tears in 2005. Thank you, Hollywood, for both the good and the bad this last year. And thank you, dear readers, for giving me an audience, however small, for to spout my rhetoric and reactions to this fabulous industry. I look forward to more of the same in 2006, and I hope you will too.